The Proposal of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Kyon Smith
Summary: Inspired by the movie The Proposal. Haruhi is the executive editor-in-chief of an American book publishing company, who forces her assistant, Kyon, to marry her in order to avoid being deported to Japan. Rated T... just in case.
1. Prologue: Coming To America

DISCLAIMER:

If I owned TMOHS, you'd probably be paying money to read this.

Meaning... I don't.

* * *

It's 2030... Twenty years after Freshman year... and that faithful day.

_'I have no use for ordinary humans...'_

_Gaah._ You would think that after High School, I would have been freed from _her_ clutches, and settling into that house with the big yard I'm supposed to be getting from Orihime and Hikoboshi, with a family of some sort. _I wish._ And...you know what they say about wishing, right? 'Wish in one hand, shit in the other; which will become full first?'

The Brigade 'officially disbanded' _two years after University_. On our last meeting, the five of us gathered at that same Cafe we always went to. Haruhi had passed out red armbands for all of us, reading 'Former Member of The SOS Brigade". She told us it was just a memento- I had expected she'd sew it permanently to our arms. After that, we chatted about our plans, and traded gifts too. I took the bill for the food-voluntarily, mind you. All in all, it felt...bittersweet.

I had my post-graduation life all planned out; step one: ditch Nishinomiya Prefecture and move to America. Step two: get a job I could live with going to every day. And step three: live happily ever after, no longer Atlas carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

After a long process of tests and paperwork for citizenship, I finally crammed all of my crap into a shabby, one-bedroom apartment in the unheard of town of Jonsville, Massachusetts. A job opening at the nearby Smyth Publishing Company seduced me, and after a multitude of other failed jobs I bought a nice new suit, and went in for an interview. I-very surprisingly-got the job on the spot. The next day, clad in a uniform consisting of an eerily familiar blue blazer, red tie and brown khakis, I reported to the 8th floor of the Weston building, my new workplace.

It was a sea of desks and swiveling chairs, just like you see in movies and TV. I was led down the row of desks by the office receptionist, Amy, to one labeled Nagaru Tanigawa—me (surprise! they spelled it right). It had a new Macintosh computer, and an in-and-out tray... all the office works. As I got myself situated, my eyes wandered to the desk next to me. It was the same as mine...although with added personal touches. There were a few framed pictures, stacks of paperwork: normal stuff...but there was more. A beat-up copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows lay under a folder, along with Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. Under that was an issue of the National Enquirer, and-

"Oh yes, Mr. Tanigawa has arrived..." Amy the receptionist was directing someone to my desk. It was a woman... I couldn't see her face, but I could see the back of her head.

And her hair. Oh God, her hair. Shoulder-length, and chocolate-brown with two ever-so-familiar _yellow ribbons gangling off a hair band_.

_"No way..."_ I said it out loud. The woman thanked Amy, and began to walk toward me... our eyes locked on, instantly...the two of us froze.

_"Wha—K-Kyon?"_

Haruhi Suzumiya had followed me 6,719 miles, to the exact same country, the exact same state, the exact same workplace, and was now about to sit right next to me.

_Gaaaaah._

_Ta-da! The FIRST CHAPTER...more like a prologue, actually. Please review-nicely._


	2. 2036

CHAPTER ONE: 2036

DISCLAIMER: If I owned TMOHS, I'd give everybody a new car. Did I? No? Then I don't.

* * *

That was six years ago. It turns out that, technically, I had followed her… she had been at Smyth three months before me. And oh yea—I also discovered she lives in the _exact same apartment complex, two stories above me_. Coincidence? With Haruhi… NO.

In those three years, Haruhi clawed viciously through the ranks of the company, "whacking" anyone that got in her way. Eventually, she settled into the office of the Executive Editor-In-Chief. It was a perfect title for someone who had once called themselves an 'ultra director'; she would rather work for a mop with an upturned bucket for a head, than someone other than herself. Suzumiya needs her minions.

If you put all that aside, though, she did the job perfectly. Nearly all the books she green-lighted ended up being best sellers after a week…further proving my hypothesis that there is nothing Haruhi can't do.

Absolutely none of this really shocked me. What also didn't surprise me was hand-picking MYSELF as her assistant. It makes perfect sense; she had all of High School and College to become used to the idea of me as her butt monkey. At least this time I was getting some well-deserved payment.

I begin my day by rushing down to the food court at the mall adjacent to Smyth. I am in charge of buying Haruhi her coffee, tea and lunch… out of my own pocket. I buy two of everything, in case I happen to spill one. I mean, she wouldn't accept a three-day coma as a legitimate excuse… would 'I fell on the curb' be any different?

Right now, I'm standing in line at a Starbucks. As I step up to the counter, the cashier, Jasmine — remembering me from the day before—waves at me. She's cute… kinda reminiscent to Miss Asahina.

"Same as the first time, Kyon?" She asks, smiling.

"Actually, no." I tell her, sighing. "My boss is bored by repetition."

"So what will it be, then?" Asks Jasmine.

"I dunno… surprise me." I say. She smiles at me, and types something into the register. I smile back… probably the same kind of smile I gave to Miss Asahina.

"Be right back…" She says, striding over to a coffee maker, on the other side of the wall. She fills four cups, and then makes her way back. "Here you go, Kyon." She placed the drinks in one of those cardboard cup holders. "Sixteen dollars and twenty cents, please…" I handed her a fifty.

"Keep the change…" I said.

"Wow…thank you." Said Jasmine. I grab the cup holder by the handle.

"See you tomorrow then?" I ask.

"How 'bout a bit sooner?" She gestures to the cups of coffee. I look down, to see that there's some writing on one of them:

555-0987

Surprise! Call me!

-Jasmine (:

"Oh!... Definitely." I say. (God, I must be smiling like an idiot).

"Bye, Kyon." She said.

"Bye."

I think I'm smiling to myself, but I don't care. I've got something to look forward to.

After a speedy run to a McDonald's, I began the walk to Smyth Publishing Company. My watch said 7:52; I was probably going to be late.

At 7:57, I was sprinting as fast as I could out of the revolving doors of the Weston building. Just like always, Haruhi loudly and publicly chewed me out for being late. And I wasn't technically late… work officially started at 8:30… but according to her I was 'late to be early'—and besides, eight o'clock was the exact moment she wanted her tea.

I kicked the up arrow on the elevator… and nicked the cup holder. I heard one of the cups slip out… and then with a small splash, I felt a bit of heat by my right foot.

_"Damn…"_ There went my caffeine boost for the day. I had no real time to complain though; it was 7:58.

Lucky for me, I made it with one minute to spare.

_"You're late!"_ Haruhi said, as I plopped her foodstuffs onto her desk. She sat in her big, ergonomically-designed chair, frowning at me, _"Just like High School, idiot!"_

"Good morning to you, too Haruhi." I said, wearily.

"Take that folder." She commanded.

"What's in it?" I asked.

"I dunno…crap from corporate—just _take it!_" She brandished the folder in my face.

"Okay." I took it.

"You are dismissed." She said, grabbing for the coffee I brought in, "Oh… and some important people are coming in… I want you present."

"Spectacular." I turned on a dime, and made my way to my seat. Just as I thought I was home free, I heard her call me back

"Kyon," Haruhi said.

"What now?" I asked, a little exasperated.

"Who is Jasmine… and why is she telling me to call her?" She asked, interrogatively.

"Wha—oh, t-that was mine…"

"You ordered the exact same thing as me?" She asked.

"I-in case I spill one."

"And you did?"

_"Yes."_

"Idiot. Who are you, Mikuru Asahina?"

"Of course…" I mumbled, "Just give me the cup when you're finished. I need that number."

"You're not going on that date, Kyon." She said, crossing her arms.

"And why not, may I ask?" I asked, whirling around.

"You're way too busy." She told me simply.

"With what work? You haven't given me anything since—"

"Whatever I can dream up then, Kyon!" She interjected.

"And what if I refuse?"

"I'll castrate you."

"Right."

"Well then I'll just throw out that crappy transcript you wrote!"

"Like you'd green light it anyway!" I spat, coldly.

"Now I never will." She said.

"Goodbye."

Closing her office door behind me, I trudged back to my seat. Mason Alexander, who sat across from me, looked up from his computer.

"Is Suzumiya riding your ass again?" He asked, "And not in the sexual way?" Damn, this guy reminds me of Taniguchi… he even combs his hair back like an a-hole, too. Gaaaaah…Will I ever truly leave North High?

"Yeah." I told him, "Same shit, different day." He nodded in agreement…then mimed stabbing himself in the abdomen, grimacing as he spun the invisible blade around and around, and then "died". Why? The members our office have lovingly dubbed Miss Suzumiya "Hara-Kiri". That little act came with the name, I guess—which was a little racist, but suited her greatly.

"Thank God it's Friday, though." Alexander said.

"Uh-huh." I muttered. "Payday." I switched on my computer, and it was on in thirty seconds…I can remember when they'd take two whole minutes to turn on. After typing in my password (Tanabata), the very first thing that popped up on the screen was a message from Hara-Kiri herself:

The important ppl r here

lunchtime. Be in my office by then,

or don't both coming back on Monday.

I hadn't the slightest clue of the chaos that would ensue from this meeting…


	3. Visa: Don't Leave Home Without It

CHAPTER TWO— VISA: DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

DISCLAIMER: If I owned TMOHS, the anime would be broadcast on a prominent American cable channel. Is it? No? Then, I don't.

* * *

At around 11: 29, another "Haruhi-mail" threw itself across my computer screen, unceremoniously blocking my unfinished online chess game.

Get your ass in here!

baka, kyon you're

still so damn lazy!

Groaning, I forfeited the game with 'School_u_inChess', and began to rummage through my desk drawers for all the standard crap that came with having a meeting.

"Hara-Kiri?" Mason asked me, as I get up from my desk, slinging my messenger bag over my shoulder.

"Yup." I said dryly.

Once again, he mimed seppuku, "You know what I think?" He asked me, "I think that chick needs a man. That could loosen her up…a little."

Like hell that will ever happen. Remember, this is the woman who concluded love is a mental disorder.

"Good luck though," Mason added, smiling sympathetically. " You'll need all you can get."

I nod at him, and make my way to Haruhi's office.

As I approach the door, I could just make out Haruhi talking with two men, through the shutters. One is short, squat and old. That would be Eustace Britain. The other guy is tall, wiry and balding. He's Reid Terrence. Both of them are from the infamous "corporate", and are presumably who I'll be meeting with. They seem to be a bit angry with her… I sigh, as I reach for the doorknob. I opened the door, stepped in, and was warmly greeted by the following statement:

"W-we're getting married."

More like smacked me the face.

Haruhi said it. I froze. What? _What?_ Hold the phone! Back the damn train up! Did I miss something? Yeah, of course I did. Maybe she's repeating something someone else said. Remember, this is the woman who declared love to be a waste of time.

What the hell did she mean by we, though? Britain or Terrence? Ha! B-but… t-that just leaves me. Me? N-no… no way did she tell them that. But wait… w-why are they looking at me like that? Why are they—n-no. no way in HELL. That psychopathic lunatic didn't tell them that—

Britain turned to me, and smiled.

_Damn you, Haruhi._

"Ah." He said. "You and Mister…."

"Tanigawa." Haruhi said, "Nagaru Tanigawa."

"There was no paperwork filed with HR." Terrence said, "Office romance only leads to trouble."

"W-we've managed to keep this very well hidden." Haruhi told the two. Britain again turned to me.

"Where is the wedding ceremony going to be?" He asked, curiously.

_Where is the ceremony going to be held?_ I have no damn clue. H-how am I supposed to know that? I don't even know what's going on!

Over my shoulder, Haruhi is giving me a look clearly saying "Go along with my scheme or you'll wake up tomorrow back in Japan, alone, broke, and unemployed." Or something like that.

My eyes desperately darted around the room, as if I'd find some kind of answer lying around. For no reason whatsoever, my eyes landed on a map of the world hanging in a corner…and blurted out the first place I saw: eight tiny islands off the coast of California—

_"H-Hawaii."_ I told him, "W-we're…getting married…in Hawaii." The two men looked a bit surprised; Haruhi's face betrayed the slightest bit of shock for one iota of a second, and then became more or less unreadable.

"Interesting." Terrence said, giving me a piercing stare. His foot tap-tap-tapped the floor impatiently. "Which island specifically?"

Gaaaah… Another absolutely excellent question. I can't even remember any of their names! Is Malawi one? No… um….

"K-Kauai." I said, quickly.

"Ah. I've been there." Britain said, "It's quite beautiful."

"Surely you don't believe them?" Terrence asked him, "T-this is Haruhi Suzumiya we're dealing with!"

"Mr. Terrence…you're credibility in this area has been significantly reduced, upon the discovery of many complaints of you stalking Miss Suzumiya." Britain told him. Ah. I remember. He absolutely hates Haruhi—God only knows why—and tried everything in his power to have her fired.

_"For the millionth time, I NEVER STALKED HER!"_ Terrence cried, red in the face and now practically jumping up and down.

_"Yes, you did Terrence!"_ Haruhi snapped, brandishing a finger in his face. _"You tailed me in your car for twelve blocks!"_

"Calm down, calm down…" Britain said, "Now… Miss Suzumiya, I am leaning more towards believing you, at the moment. However, following our company's policy, there must be further investigation."

"Of course, sir." Haruhi said.

"Come on,Terrence…and for the love of God, calm down!" He rolled his eyes at him, before turning back to the two of us. "You'll be hearing from us soon. Have a nice day."

And they strode out the office door, Terrence muttering all the while. Meanwhile, Haruhi sighed, leaning back in her chair.

"Problem solved." She said, simply. God… I haven't been this mad at Haruhi since we filmed that damn movie.

_"Problem solved?"_ I blurted whirling around, _"It looks to me like you've created a problem! Th-they think we're getting married!"_

"Yup." She said, "My visa is expired…or gone—s-something like that."

"A… a visa? You came to America on a work visa? Why didn't you just apply for citizenship?"

"I didn't want to root myself in one place!" She said, "I wanted to travel around the world! How was I supposed to know I'd like this job so much?"

"I… I refuse. This is absolutely insane, Haruhi. I'm not doing it. W-we…we could go to jail!"

"Not if we don't get caught, Kyon!" She snapped.

"What if we do?" I asked her, "Why do you have to drag me down with y—"

"I'll get deported!" She bellowed, "They'll fire my ass and ship me back to Japan!"

"That's better than jail, isn't it?" I ask her, "How is that not better than—"

"I have done way too much for this company to leave now!" She said, "Why can't you just work with me, here?"

At this point, my blood is beginning to boil. "I don't think you realize the _gravity_ of the statement." I told her, gathering all my will to keep my voice calm and even. For some reason, I imagine all the workers in the office have their faces pressed up to the office windows. "_Married!_ Do you know what that means? It's…it's not a _business venture, Haruhi!_ And… I'm not doing it. I am not marrying you. Never. I don't want the Tanigawa name linked to you any more than it already is!"

"I'll make it worth your while." She said, giving me a terrifyingly devious look.

I blink at her.

Huh? What? Jesus Christ, she doesn't mean—

"No, you pervert!" She spat, flinging a pen cap at me. "Get your head out of the damn gutter! I mean, I'll take a bribe! Come on, what do you want?"

A bribe? Wow, this woman is going for the Breaking-The-Most-Laws Gold.

"_No!_ No bribes, no nothing. I'm not doing it, Haruhi. Nothing can make me do it."

"How about I give you my salary?" She suggested, "For two years?"

Ah, money. Shit, she's discovered my weakness. I know her salary, and it's about a billion times bigger than mine. I feel like I'd get mugged just saying the amount. Damn. I can't lie, it's an extremely enticing offer.

"How about I green-light that shitty book of yours." She added.

"Ha!" I spat, _"Yeah right! I'm pretty sure I saw you throw the transcript away!"_

"No." She reached behind her desk. I heard a drawer slide open. Mumbling book titles, she rifled through whatever papers were in that drawer, paused, and then slammed a pack of paper onto her desk. My Transcript. "Here it is." She told me, "One tiny book won't do the company that much bad."

"How can I trust you?" I asked her, narrowing my eyes.

"Brigade chief's honor." She said. Wow…haven't heard that in a while.

"Why are you so desperate?" I asked her. "What ulterior motive do you have besides not getting deported?"

_"That's it, Kyon! I love this job!"_ She said, slamming her fists on her desk. "I love it, and I'm damn good at it! I'd rather throw myself off the roof then just sit here and lose it all 'cause jackass Terrence managed to dig up a problem!"

All I can do at this point is stare at her.

"Come on, you idiot." She said, frowning at me. "I'll pay for everything. I'll take care of _everything_."

She's begging. I can hear the desperation in her voice. The all-powerful Brigade Leader Haruhi Suzumiya is begging me. She must really love this job.

"_Marriage_, Haruhi. Are you hearing what you're saying?" I asked her.

"It'll be quick." She said, suddenly much calmer. "We do it, I get my citizenship, and then...we get divorced."

Call me crazy, but I think I might say yes.

I mean, when you think about it, I actually get more out of it than she does.

"Come on, Kyon. I'm begging you."

"Begging?"

_"Begging!"_ She repeated, exasperation growing in her voice.

I know I'm going to regret getting involved. Why did I even come into work today?

"Fine," I muttered, finally. "I… I'll do it, I guess."

"Fantastic!" She said, rising from her chair, her desperation melting away. She scooped up her messenger bag, and a sweater. "You can leave if you want." She strides past me, her yellow ribbons whipping me in the face.

"Wha—where are you going?"

"Busy, busy, busy." She mutters, striding past the rows of her underling's desks.

Mason Alexander catches my eye. I can tell by the look on his face that he's dying to know what happened.

I stroll calmly over, ignoring the fact that the majority of my coworkers were staring at me, and take my seat next to him.

"What the hell happened in there?" He asked. "What did... Laurel and Hardy want? You didn't get fired, did you? Did Haruhi get fired?"

"Um…" I start. How do I say this, without sounding crazy? I don't really think there is a way, is there? I steeled myself and then told him, "I'm…about to come into some money."

"Ah, a raise? That's it?" He asked.

Of course not.

* * *

WOW. Two years without an update. I get bent when someone takes a week, how hypocritical of me! I hope you all can forgive me.

Anyway, thank you for reading! Reviews are welcome, even to tell me I'm crap at this.


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